I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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