When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
