My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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