I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
