Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
