No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
