I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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