If i come over, it means nothing
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
