Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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