the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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