So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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