Need sex. Gaining weight.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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