I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
