saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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