i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
