When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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