turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
