don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
