Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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