I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
