can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize