You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
