I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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