PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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