so that wasnt chicken after all
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize