i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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