READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
