I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
