matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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