he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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