i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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