My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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