Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My penis needs a shock collar
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
