Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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