Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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