One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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