Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
