I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I faked an abortion last night.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize