im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
