I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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