So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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