her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
