If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
