you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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