I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
