I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
