Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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