exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize