I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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