Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
