Four minutes until I can fart!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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