You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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