her vagine was all disorganized.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
