He had one of those small greek statue penises
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
