My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
