I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sext me about skeletons
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
