Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
