i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
